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Ladies and gentlemen, the Tommy Cooper
Hour.

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With his guest tonight, Christine
Sparkle.

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Topo Jijo.

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Your star and host, that genial monster,
Tommy Cooper!

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Thank you.

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Thank you.

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Thank you.

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Good night.

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00:01:05,180 --> 00:01:09,600
There's a little trolley I'll show you
now. It's a very famous... You know

10
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It's a quick joke.

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Now, I must tell you this. I want to
hear it myself. Now, listen.

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It's about the faith healer.

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And he said to this man, he said, how's
your brother?

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And he said, he's ill.

15
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And the faith healer said, no, no, no.

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He only thinks he's ill. He said, no,
he's ill.

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He looks ill. He looks ill.

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He said, no.

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He said, I'm telling you, he looks ill.
I looked at him the other day. He looks

20
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ill.

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So two weeks later, he met him again. He
said, how's your brother?

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He said, he thinks he's dead.

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Look at that, I'm leaking.

24
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It's just been done with the packed
cards.

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I shall do this trick in a minute, and
after that I shall do pat -a -pat -a

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-a -pat -a.

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Then a little bit more pat -a -pat -a
-pat -a -pat -a.

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And then it's pat -a -pat -a -pat -a.

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See, I'll do that trick over there, and
after that it's pat -a -pat -a -pat -a

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-pat -a.

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And then it's all about this big talk
now with the little girl, see?

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And they walk along the street like
that.

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And he said, pat -a -pat -a -pat -a to
her.

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And she goes, oh, pat -a -pat -a -pat -a
-pat -a.

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And he goes, pat -a -pat -a -pat -a.

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And the end of it, listen to this.

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I wish I wasn't doing it.

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Now listen to the end of it.

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And he said, pat -a -pat -a -pat -a -pat
-a.

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See?

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And then he said, when you come to the
umbrella, it's mine.

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It's taken me 15 years to do this trick.

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15 years of self -denial.

44
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And hard work. 15 years. I'm going to
spread them all along here like that,

45
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then catch them like that.

46
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All along there like that. And I shall
catch them like that.

47
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15 years it's taken me to do this.

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Oh, my teeth ache.

49
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15 years wasted.

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00:05:12,890 --> 00:05:15,850
I'll tell you what I like to do now, to
show how versatile I am. I like to do

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00:05:15,850 --> 00:05:18,230
this month's mystery movie.

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And I call it a mystery movie because I
don't know what I'm going to do.

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Until I do it.

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Oh, yes, I know what it is.

55
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It's that very old classic, as you've
seen in films, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

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And I play all the three parts.

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Now, you know it's the story of a man
that takes a drink and he turns ugly and

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nasty.

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You know what I mean, Dick?

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He's ugly and nasty, but not unusual.

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Right.

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The first, the very nice Dr Jekyll.

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That's nice, isn't it?

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Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice.

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Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice.

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Hello, Mrs.

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Blinkensop. How are you today?

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Nice, nice, nice, nice.

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A little bit nice here, a little bit
nice there.

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What? You feel a little bit run down?
That's because you lack iron.

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Now, why don't you go home and eat some
nail sandwiches?

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Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice.

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And throw a few nuts and bolts in as
well.

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I said goodbye, Mrs. Blakers. Goodbye,
now.

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And now to enjoy myself.

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Not enough sugar in there.

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I'll put some love to sugar.

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Ah!

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I can feel I'm changing.

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Ah!

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My hands!

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My hands! Where are my hands?

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Oh, there they are.

84
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What is it?

85
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Evil, evil, evil.

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Evil. Another patient.

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They mustn't see me like this.

88
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I can't even see through it, is it?

89
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I've got it.

90
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Wait

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a

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minute, I'm changing.

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I'm changing.

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One more drink.

95
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I feel better now.

96
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Back to my old self, the trying Dr.

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Jekyll.

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What?

99
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:47,399
What's that?

100
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The last patient's gone home?

101
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Why do you say so?

102
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Why don't you tell me?

103
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Who am I now?

104
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Oh, yes, why do you say so?

105
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Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice.

106
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Nice, nice.

107
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One drink for the road.

108
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What?

109
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Who's speaking? It's me.

110
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Evil, evil, Dr. Haskell. Haskell, no.

111
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Would you like to announce your first
guest?

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No! Of course.

113
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Shall we not?

114
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What a nasty thing to do.

115
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Evil, evil, evil. What a nice man he is.
He was.

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Evil, evil, evil.

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I was waiting by the door.

118
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I was waiting all alone.

119
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Maybe by myself I didn't wait to wonder
about you.

120
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The dark and dreary night seems like
nothing.

121
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Won't you please understand?

122
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Won't you please understand?

123
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My name is Johnny Check.

124
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I ain't got the cash on me.

125
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I just tune up here just a little.

126
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So here we go now.

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Well, the hibberly, hibberly, give my
leg in.

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And a mitzy, mitzy, holly.

129
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And an itsy, mitzy, bitzy, hoolay.

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I'd rather.

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I've sung that song all over the world.

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I've sang it to the shepherds.

133
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In Tibet.

134
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The Chinese coolies.

135
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In China.

136
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Because there's a lot of Chinese out
there.

137
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And the Arabs in the desert.

138
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I always got the same response.

139
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They threw bricks at me.

140
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And now here's a little protest number.

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There ain't no hot water in my dressing
room.

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And now, here's a little song I want you
all to join in the chorus.

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The plasma on the spider's knee.

144
00:16:09,780 --> 00:16:11,480
It was raining down with great degree.

145
00:16:12,820 --> 00:16:15,660
Better watch your daughter with your
teeth in water.

146
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All together now.

147
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Tell me what I do, I'll give you the
course.

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Whoever he may be, he may be.

149
00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:42,900
You got the idea, folks?

150
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:49,040
I'll just do it once more, folks.

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00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:51,020
All right, here we go then.

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Whoever he may be, he may be.

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That's it.

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The sun sets in the west.

155
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Not the north or south, but west.

156
00:17:05,930 --> 00:17:08,869
Whoever he may be, he may be.

157
00:17:13,050 --> 00:17:17,609
The moon is pulling round.

158
00:17:17,930 --> 00:17:20,130
It's never square, I've found.

159
00:17:20,410 --> 00:17:23,290
Whoever he may be, he may be.

160
00:17:27,410 --> 00:17:29,670
If I've seen this anymore...

161
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:31,460
It's going to be a bore.

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Whoever he may be.

163
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I think this song is bad.

164
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I'm going to tell our dad.

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Whoever he may be.

166
00:18:30,220 --> 00:18:32,560
Yes, it's TVTTT, folks.

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00:18:32,900 --> 00:18:34,840
Tommy Cooper, top ten time.

168
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:39,980
And we bring you the pick of discs from
the fab 50s. Swingin' 60s. And the

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00:18:39,980 --> 00:18:44,720
strike -ridden 70s. And even some from
the 80s. Including the fabulational.

170
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Smash from the 1950s. Six weeks, top of
the hip parade.

171
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Mike's arms, come outside.

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two, three.

173
00:19:16,570 --> 00:19:21,510
Little doll, we've been dancing all
night long.

174
00:19:23,030 --> 00:19:28,030
Little doll, I've got a feeling
something's wrong.

175
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What do you mean?

176
00:19:32,090 --> 00:19:35,870
It ain't right to wanna keep on dancing.

177
00:19:36,770 --> 00:19:38,130
Oh, I don't know. I like it.

178
00:19:40,130 --> 00:19:43,110
You're quite right. Because it leaves no
time for romancing.

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Come outside.

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Come outside.

181
00:19:47,430 --> 00:19:50,050
There's a lovely moon out there.

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Or three moons.

183
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Just a tick. Tom, Tom, hold on.

184
00:20:01,710 --> 00:20:05,730
I thought you'd gone for a minute. No,
you see, all this come -outside

185
00:20:05,850 --> 00:20:08,050
we really need a girl for that, don't
you think? A girl?

186
00:20:08,470 --> 00:20:11,470
Yes, well, it's ridiculous for me to ask
you to come outside. Everybody knows

187
00:20:11,470 --> 00:20:12,409
you wouldn't go.

188
00:20:12,410 --> 00:20:13,410
You would, though, wouldn't you?

189
00:20:15,850 --> 00:20:17,350
You'd do anything for money. You will.

190
00:20:17,790 --> 00:20:20,390
Tell me, I'm sorry, but I agree with
Alan.

191
00:20:20,970 --> 00:20:22,870
All right, well, why don't you go
outside together?

192
00:20:23,270 --> 00:20:25,470
Now, look, can we have a girl or not?

193
00:20:25,770 --> 00:20:26,770
Well, where can we find one?

194
00:20:27,310 --> 00:20:30,170
Well, then one of us will have to dress
up to pretend to be one.

195
00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:33,080
That's a good idea. I like that. I like
that. That's good. That's a good idea.

196
00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:34,260
That is good. Yes.

197
00:20:39,180 --> 00:20:40,079
Oh, no.

198
00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:41,880
No. I can't do it. I'm a guest.

199
00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:47,120
Don't be silly. I've got a moustache.

200
00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:51,700
One of the others will have to do it.
Oh, one of the others.

201
00:20:52,020 --> 00:20:53,260
Anyone could do it.

202
00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:55,200
That's fair, isn't it? Anyone at all.

203
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:57,620
I don't care who it is. I mean, we can
choose them later.

204
00:20:58,010 --> 00:21:00,690
Can't we? Yes, fair enough. Doesn't make
any difference, really. Yeah. Not at

205
00:21:00,690 --> 00:21:04,030
all. The important thing is, though,
whoever does it has got to have a nice

206
00:21:04,030 --> 00:21:05,950
figure. Yes. You know what I mean?

207
00:21:06,590 --> 00:21:08,130
Really lovely figure. Yes.

208
00:21:08,350 --> 00:21:10,010
So that it's believable.

209
00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:16,630
So that we can really enjoy the beauty
and ecstasy.

210
00:21:18,190 --> 00:21:19,190
Oh, yeah.

211
00:21:19,690 --> 00:21:26,570
Now I feel I can really recite this and
it means something.

212
00:21:27,180 --> 00:21:28,740
Something pretty repulsive, but
something.

213
00:21:31,580 --> 00:21:32,860
So, I'll tell you what. Yeah?

214
00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:35,480
We can decide later who dresses up,
right? Of course!

215
00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:38,200
We don't have to do it now, do we? No!

216
00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:39,540
Later on we'll do it, right?

217
00:21:39,740 --> 00:21:40,740
Yeah! Right, let's go.

218
00:21:43,980 --> 00:21:48,160
Little doll.

219
00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:52,080
It's been ages since we kissed.

220
00:21:55,140 --> 00:21:56,140
Little doll.

221
00:21:57,360 --> 00:22:00,040
Think of all the fun we've missed.

222
00:22:02,860 --> 00:22:07,440
It ain't right to want to keep on
dancing.

223
00:22:08,860 --> 00:22:14,720
There won't be any time left for
romancing.

224
00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:21,820
Careful. Come outside.

225
00:22:22,260 --> 00:22:23,260
What for?

226
00:22:24,460 --> 00:22:27,520
While we've got time, To spare?

227
00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:29,920
What's the rush?

228
00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:32,020
There's a lovely moon.

229
00:22:32,540 --> 00:22:33,540
Out there?

230
00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:36,540
Yeah, well, I'd rather twist, I think.

231
00:23:07,500 --> 00:23:10,880
for one quick look at the moon. All
right. While we've got time for a bit of

232
00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:12,200
slap and tickle, eh?

233
00:23:14,660 --> 00:23:16,000
I'll slap and tickle you in a minute.

234
00:23:16,300 --> 00:23:17,300
Don't be like that.

235
00:23:17,500 --> 00:23:18,840
Hey, Whatty. What's the matter?

236
00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:19,919
Oh, yes, I'm shaved.

237
00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:20,920
I'm shaved.

238
00:23:31,460 --> 00:23:32,460
Father Christmas.

239
00:23:35,409 --> 00:23:36,730
Christine Sparkle!

240
00:23:37,010 --> 00:23:38,010
Pardon?

241
00:23:38,370 --> 00:23:40,150
Christine Sparkle!

242
00:23:40,710 --> 00:23:41,710
Well, I hope she does.

243
00:23:42,430 --> 00:23:43,990
What happened to Father Christmas?

244
00:23:57,570 --> 00:23:59,690
Does he love me?

245
00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:18,440
That's where it is.

246
00:24:19,220 --> 00:24:20,380
Is it anything?

247
00:24:21,220 --> 00:24:24,460
Oh, no, that's just his charm. His warm
embrace.

248
00:24:24,940 --> 00:24:30,960
Oh, no, that's just his arm. If you want
to know if he loves you so, it's in his

249
00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:32,760
kiss. That's where it is.

250
00:26:13,360 --> 00:26:14,440
There you go, there. That's it.

251
00:26:15,020 --> 00:26:16,020
Oh, that's lovely.

252
00:26:17,120 --> 00:26:18,120
That's lovely.

253
00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:22,660
Now, let me see what's going this week.

254
00:26:23,180 --> 00:26:24,180
Ah.

255
00:26:24,660 --> 00:26:25,680
A conductor wanted.

256
00:26:26,220 --> 00:26:27,480
That's not bad. I could do that.

257
00:26:28,640 --> 00:26:29,640
Easy.

258
00:26:30,740 --> 00:26:32,220
Come along, please. Everybody inside.

259
00:26:32,500 --> 00:26:33,259
That's it.

260
00:26:33,260 --> 00:26:34,079
Come inside.

261
00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:35,080
Plenty of room on top.

262
00:26:35,140 --> 00:26:38,760
Come along. All quickly inside on top.
Plenty of room on top, now. Plenty of

263
00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:39,760
room on top.

264
00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:42,400
What? Well, I don't know. It's a single
decker.

265
00:26:42,620 --> 00:26:43,620
Nobody told me.

266
00:26:45,540 --> 00:26:46,540
Right, hold tight, please.

267
00:26:46,820 --> 00:26:49,700
Ding, ding, ding. Hold it, Bert. There's
a fellow running for the bus.

268
00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:51,280
He's ten yards away.

269
00:26:51,620 --> 00:26:52,619
He's five yards.

270
00:26:52,620 --> 00:26:53,620
Ding, go, Bert.

271
00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:01,040
I'll be at the end, Doctor.

272
00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:02,680
Come on, let's go.

273
00:27:04,900 --> 00:27:05,900
Hey, what?

274
00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:08,600
I don't know.

275
00:27:11,870 --> 00:27:12,870
Who is that?

276
00:28:26,220 --> 00:28:27,220
That means nice and slow.

277
00:28:28,440 --> 00:28:29,440
When I do that, it's quick.

278
00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:33,540
But when I do that and that, it'll take
a nose. I don't know what I'm doing.

279
00:28:37,780 --> 00:28:38,780
Hello.

280
00:31:04,520 --> 00:31:06,520
is what made Sir Adrian Bolt.

281
00:31:07,520 --> 00:31:10,720
For some inscrutable reason, ladies and
gentlemen, it's been left to me to

282
00:31:10,720 --> 00:31:14,520
announce Tom's next guest, so this time
at least we'll get it right.

283
00:31:14,740 --> 00:31:17,420
So here he is, Lord Alan and Ray
Charles.

284
00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:24,000
Oh, it's much the same, isn't it? Well,
all right.

285
00:31:24,260 --> 00:31:26,840
Ray Alan and Lord Charles,
perfectionists.

286
00:31:37,879 --> 00:31:42,460
What are you going to do?

287
00:31:43,900 --> 00:31:45,300
Really?

288
00:31:47,300 --> 00:31:48,540
What is it?

289
00:31:48,980 --> 00:31:52,720
It didn't ring.

290
00:31:56,880 --> 00:32:00,220
I'm sorry.

291
00:32:03,040 --> 00:32:04,440
Hello.

292
00:32:05,160 --> 00:32:06,160
Hello.

293
00:32:06,980 --> 00:32:08,380
Hello. Hello.

294
00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:11,260
Hello. Hello.

295
00:32:14,860 --> 00:32:16,440
Hello. Hello.

296
00:32:19,120 --> 00:32:22,400
That wasn't you.

297
00:32:22,760 --> 00:32:27,980
Oh, that's fantastic.

298
00:32:28,280 --> 00:32:29,760
Is that what you're going to do?

299
00:32:33,740 --> 00:32:39,300
I'm going to give them demonstration in
the art of individualism.

300
00:32:40,720 --> 00:32:46,700
What are you going to do? Well, first of
all, I'm going to start off by doing

301
00:32:46,700 --> 00:32:52,680
drinking and talking simultaneously at

302
00:32:52,680 --> 00:32:54,540
the same time.

303
00:32:55,740 --> 00:32:59,880
Well, hang on a minute, because Tommy
Cooper tried that, and it can go wrong,

304
00:32:59,900 --> 00:33:00,639
you know what I mean?

305
00:33:00,640 --> 00:33:03,060
How dare you compare me...

306
00:33:03,610 --> 00:33:05,150
With that silly arse.

307
00:33:09,110 --> 00:33:13,190
When I do it, it's a total genius, dear
boy. All right, let's see you do it.

308
00:33:13,810 --> 00:33:14,810
Where's the drink?

309
00:33:15,210 --> 00:33:16,970
Let's have a drink here on this instant.

310
00:33:17,770 --> 00:33:21,090
It'll shake and make the nation sit up
and take notice as well.

311
00:33:21,530 --> 00:33:24,790
Yes, by... By Jove.

312
00:33:27,530 --> 00:33:29,950
By Jove, I say, look how you are.

313
00:33:30,960 --> 00:33:33,560
The monocle's steaming up again, dammit.

314
00:33:36,220 --> 00:33:39,600
What the hell's that? They didn't send
us, did they?

315
00:33:39,880 --> 00:33:43,000
No. Is that what the producer chap said?

316
00:33:43,340 --> 00:33:44,340
Yes, it is.

317
00:33:44,820 --> 00:33:46,600
Damn troublemaker, knew it.

318
00:33:46,960 --> 00:33:52,300
The moment I laid eyes on him, I knew
it. Could always tell. Yellow shirt,

319
00:33:52,300 --> 00:33:54,000
-toed sandals is the sure sign.

320
00:33:56,300 --> 00:33:58,720
Well, you could take it away and tell
the...

321
00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:02,100
I'm not taking it away. Don't take it
away.

322
00:34:02,540 --> 00:34:04,140
I'm going to have it if you don't want
it.

323
00:34:05,580 --> 00:34:07,720
You're not going to drink that, are you?

324
00:34:07,940 --> 00:34:08,940
Yes.

325
00:34:09,179 --> 00:34:10,719
Do you know what it is?

326
00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:12,800
Yes.

327
00:34:13,060 --> 00:34:14,038
It's milk.

328
00:34:14,040 --> 00:34:15,040
I know.

329
00:34:15,800 --> 00:34:18,780
Go away, my dear. This is not going to
be nice to watch.

330
00:34:20,480 --> 00:34:22,679
Do you realise where that comes from?

331
00:34:24,219 --> 00:34:25,960
Yes. Cows. I know.

332
00:34:26,980 --> 00:34:27,980
Filthy animals.

333
00:34:29,290 --> 00:34:31,030
Don't care what they tread in.

334
00:34:36,350 --> 00:34:41,670
Ladies and gentlemen, I wouldn't watch
this if I were you, because there's one

335
00:34:41,670 --> 00:34:46,929
thing about anyone drinking milk, and
that is, when they finish, you always

336
00:34:46,929 --> 00:34:50,449
that terrible, nasty white ring around
the end.

337
00:34:52,909 --> 00:34:54,210
God is generous.

338
00:35:06,060 --> 00:35:09,520
Would you mind putting that away? That's
a revolting sight.

339
00:35:09,840 --> 00:35:11,260
Turn the tummy over.

340
00:35:11,660 --> 00:35:13,060
I'll put it under there. Thank you.

341
00:35:13,920 --> 00:35:16,100
Now, that's nice, isn't it? That's
ruined.

342
00:35:16,400 --> 00:35:20,320
What the hell am I going to do? I'll
have to go straight into the big finish.

343
00:35:20,940 --> 00:35:21,940
The big finish?

344
00:35:22,060 --> 00:35:23,060
Yes. What's that?

345
00:35:23,720 --> 00:35:24,720
Wait a minute.

346
00:35:24,880 --> 00:35:26,560
Yes? It's damn good.

347
00:35:26,780 --> 00:35:27,780
Is it?

348
00:35:27,820 --> 00:35:30,980
Get the suitcase up there and be
careful.

349
00:35:31,260 --> 00:35:31,939
This one?

350
00:35:31,940 --> 00:35:33,060
Yes. Be careful.

351
00:35:33,480 --> 00:35:34,480
Careful,

352
00:35:34,860 --> 00:35:35,860
careful, careful.

353
00:35:42,399 --> 00:35:43,640
He's in there, you know.

354
00:35:44,720 --> 00:35:46,160
Who? The dolly.

355
00:35:48,160 --> 00:35:50,920
He's not in there, is he? Yeah, you'll
hear him in there. You'll hear him in

356
00:35:50,920 --> 00:35:51,920
there.

357
00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:52,999
Get me out.

358
00:35:53,000 --> 00:35:54,020
You'll hear him. You'll hear him.

359
00:35:55,320 --> 00:35:56,700
You'll hear him again.

360
00:35:57,280 --> 00:35:58,360
Get me out. Yeah.

361
00:35:59,580 --> 00:36:02,280
Open the lid. Open the lid. Let's have a
look. Open the lid, Kevin.

362
00:36:16,980 --> 00:36:17,980
What?

363
00:36:19,900 --> 00:36:25,320
You can't see the people because you've
got to go to bye -byes. I don't want to

364
00:36:25,320 --> 00:36:26,320
go to guy -guys.

365
00:36:27,300 --> 00:36:30,120
He doesn't want to go to the guy -guys.

366
00:36:30,460 --> 00:36:32,660
I mean bye -byes. I know this.

367
00:36:33,760 --> 00:36:38,440
Is that it? Just a minute. He's damn
funny. Listen to this.

368
00:36:38,920 --> 00:36:42,080
Tell me, Johnny, how's your sister
keeping?

369
00:36:42,440 --> 00:36:44,200
She's in hospital, sir.

370
00:36:45,100 --> 00:36:46,100
In hospital.

371
00:36:47,340 --> 00:36:48,279
I know.

372
00:36:48,280 --> 00:36:52,080
What's wrong with her? She swallowed a
50 -pence piece.

373
00:36:56,000 --> 00:36:58,960
Really? 50 -pence piece, eh?

374
00:36:59,260 --> 00:37:00,900
And how is she now?

375
00:37:01,160 --> 00:37:02,160
No change.

376
00:37:06,760 --> 00:37:08,040
That's marvellous.

377
00:37:10,360 --> 00:37:12,360
Do you think, do you ever, you know, get
involved?

378
00:37:12,740 --> 00:37:15,440
I mean, really think that that is real,
that thing?

379
00:37:15,760 --> 00:37:16,760
That what?

380
00:37:16,880 --> 00:37:18,960
Well, the dummy or doll or whatever you
call it.

381
00:37:19,900 --> 00:37:22,000
Whatever I call it? Yes.

382
00:37:23,380 --> 00:37:24,960
How dare you?

383
00:37:26,140 --> 00:37:27,800
You've upset him now.

384
00:37:28,020 --> 00:37:30,040
You're upset, aren't you, Johnny?

385
00:37:30,280 --> 00:37:31,640
Yes, Cogner. Yes.

386
00:37:32,740 --> 00:37:38,820
Never mind. I'll sing for you like that,
won't you? Yes, Cogner. All right. Dry

387
00:37:38,820 --> 00:37:40,480
your eyes, then. Here we go.

388
00:37:42,680 --> 00:37:45,320
Little man, stop crying.

389
00:38:49,260 --> 00:38:54,400
And welcome back to part three. And now
meet Tom's special guest, Topo Shijo.

390
00:38:56,820 --> 00:38:59,080
Thank you. Thank you.

391
00:38:59,980 --> 00:39:06,480
Well, ladies and gentlemen, here I am,
all set to perform

392
00:39:06,480 --> 00:39:11,680
the cleverest conjuring trick in the
world for you.

393
00:39:12,720 --> 00:39:14,540
Bless you.

394
00:39:15,600 --> 00:39:17,540
Nothing deceitful.

395
00:39:18,120 --> 00:39:19,120
No trickery.

396
00:39:19,200 --> 00:39:25,660
Here we are. In a moment, you are going
to see how with just a wave of the

397
00:39:25,660 --> 00:39:30,780
hand, I make a daisy appear under this
hat.

398
00:40:10,960 --> 00:40:15,340
it again because maybe it wasn't very
clear.

399
00:40:16,560 --> 00:40:19,880
A lovely big daisy.

400
00:40:20,240 --> 00:40:22,780
A big daisy.

401
00:40:23,020 --> 00:40:24,040
Got it?

402
00:40:24,640 --> 00:40:30,200
Anyone who hasn't understood, put their
hand up.

403
00:40:30,820 --> 00:40:36,000
Just to make sure we do understand.

404
00:40:36,360 --> 00:40:40,280
The daisy, the flower, you pulled.

405
00:40:41,230 --> 00:40:46,370
of when you say, he loves me, he loves
me not.

406
00:40:46,970 --> 00:40:48,450
Is that clear now?

407
00:40:49,030 --> 00:40:55,990
You know the flower with lots of white
petals and a yellow butt in

408
00:40:55,990 --> 00:40:56,990
the middle?

409
00:40:57,190 --> 00:40:58,370
Oh, fine.

410
00:40:58,650 --> 00:41:00,190
Excuse me, just a moment.

411
00:41:00,630 --> 00:41:01,670
Music, please.

412
00:41:03,970 --> 00:41:07,470
Daisy, Daisy. Daisy, Daisy. Daisy,
Daisy.

413
00:41:07,730 --> 00:41:08,830
I capisco.

414
00:41:09,430 --> 00:41:10,570
Oh, do you understand?

415
00:41:12,510 --> 00:41:14,350
I'm just coming.

416
00:41:18,130 --> 00:41:19,450
Here we are.

417
00:41:20,110 --> 00:41:21,270
Here we are.

418
00:41:22,410 --> 00:41:23,690
Everyone ready?

419
00:41:47,160 --> 00:41:50,260
Thank you. Thank you.

420
00:41:51,180 --> 00:41:52,780
Oh, Alan.

421
00:41:53,620 --> 00:41:57,480
Have I earned a good night's kiss?

422
00:41:58,120 --> 00:42:01,220
Yes, you have, Toppo. Thank you, Alan.

423
00:42:02,440 --> 00:42:03,680
Thank you.

424
00:42:11,970 --> 00:42:15,490
Yes, well, now this seems to be a
classic example of what is known as

425
00:42:15,490 --> 00:42:17,010
with egg on your face.

426
00:42:17,630 --> 00:42:21,170
But unfortunately, in a show like this
with so many quick changes, it does

427
00:42:21,170 --> 00:42:25,030
sometimes happen. I mean, look at poor
old Tom. He's busy as a bee in a bottle

428
00:42:25,030 --> 00:42:26,029
all night.

429
00:42:26,030 --> 00:42:28,070
Stands here in front of this camera
going...

430
00:42:29,839 --> 00:42:33,620
Like that. Dashes over there behind the
screen, does a quick change back here in

431
00:42:33,620 --> 00:42:34,620
front of the cameras.

432
00:42:35,180 --> 00:42:39,180
Back behind the screen. You know, in the
last show, he finally went behind the

433
00:42:39,180 --> 00:42:42,520
screen, did... There, came back in front
of the cameras and ripped all his

434
00:42:42,520 --> 00:42:43,520
clothes off.

435
00:42:44,180 --> 00:42:46,360
But it's too much to hope he's going to
do that again tonight.

436
00:42:46,800 --> 00:42:50,820
Now, one of our guests has a special
announcement, so it's probably a good

437
00:42:50,820 --> 00:42:52,300
to make it now. Are you there, Ray? Yes.

438
00:42:52,860 --> 00:42:55,640
Ladies and gentlemen, that marvellous
ventriloquist, Ray Allen.

439
00:43:01,070 --> 00:43:02,070
Thank you, Ben.

440
00:43:02,850 --> 00:43:03,850
Thank you.

441
00:43:04,130 --> 00:43:06,750
Thank you very much. Ladies and
gentlemen, all I really want to say at

442
00:43:06,750 --> 00:43:10,950
point is that, owing to building
reconstruction, I'm afraid I've had to

443
00:43:10,950 --> 00:43:12,970
the Ray Allen School of Ventriloquism.

444
00:43:14,410 --> 00:43:18,550
Now, please, it's only going to be for
about six months. But I must ask those

445
00:43:18,550 --> 00:43:21,710
you at home, my pupils who are watching,
will you please carry on with your

446
00:43:21,710 --> 00:43:24,870
lessons, keep practising, because as
soon as we're ready to reopen, I'll

447
00:43:24,870 --> 00:43:26,970
you. So don't worry. Only for six
months.

448
00:43:27,170 --> 00:43:27,868
All right?

449
00:43:27,870 --> 00:43:28,870
Thank you.

450
00:43:31,759 --> 00:43:32,759
What is it?

451
00:43:33,460 --> 00:43:34,460
What's the matter?

452
00:43:35,140 --> 00:43:37,160
That's terrible closing your skull down,
isn't it?

453
00:43:37,820 --> 00:43:39,800
What? Well, I'm right in the middle of
your course.

454
00:43:40,600 --> 00:43:41,740
You can't leave me like this.

455
00:43:42,800 --> 00:43:43,638
Like what?

456
00:43:43,640 --> 00:43:44,640
Well, talk with two mouths.

457
00:43:46,700 --> 00:43:48,400
That's right, you tell him, Tom. I did
tell him.

458
00:43:48,660 --> 00:43:49,660
Well, I didn't hear.

459
00:43:50,240 --> 00:43:51,240
Well, listen next time.

460
00:43:52,520 --> 00:43:53,520
I was listening.

461
00:43:54,060 --> 00:43:55,060
Oh, shut up.

462
00:43:57,580 --> 00:43:59,540
What an advert for my school.

463
00:43:59,940 --> 00:44:00,940
It was good, wasn't it?

464
00:44:02,990 --> 00:44:04,630
Are you a fully paid up member? Yes.

465
00:44:05,450 --> 00:44:06,550
It was excellent.

466
00:44:08,730 --> 00:44:11,750
Brilliant! Did you hear that? Yes, I
heard that.

467
00:44:13,610 --> 00:44:15,190
You can't see my lips move, can you?

468
00:44:15,550 --> 00:44:17,630
No. Your lips are fantastic.

469
00:44:18,450 --> 00:44:21,730
Actually, Tom, take the weight off your
feet. Sit there a minute.

470
00:44:22,430 --> 00:44:25,850
Because your lips are really quite
remarkable.

471
00:44:26,480 --> 00:44:28,380
There's only one thing. May I just make
a suggestion?

472
00:44:28,820 --> 00:44:29,779
Yes, yes.

473
00:44:29,780 --> 00:44:30,658
Your lips are motionless.

474
00:44:30,660 --> 00:44:32,200
Shut up, he's not talking. I'm talking
to him.

475
00:44:34,120 --> 00:44:35,120
Yes?

476
00:44:35,160 --> 00:44:39,480
Your lips are motionless, but you must
try and stop your face from moving

477
00:44:39,480 --> 00:44:40,480
side of them.

478
00:44:42,100 --> 00:44:43,100
That's all.

479
00:44:43,760 --> 00:44:44,980
I think it's an all right liberty.

480
00:44:45,320 --> 00:44:47,120
It's not my fault, is it? You closed it
at school.

481
00:44:47,900 --> 00:44:49,540
I mean, I was going to make it a part of
my act.

482
00:44:50,060 --> 00:44:51,100
You weren't, were you? Yes, I was.

483
00:44:54,520 --> 00:44:57,940
Well, let's face it, your progress has
been a bit slow, hasn't it? I mean,

484
00:44:57,940 --> 00:45:00,660
it took me 12 months to teach you to
say, gottle a gear for bottle of beer.

485
00:45:01,260 --> 00:45:02,340
Well, it's not easy, is it?

486
00:45:02,680 --> 00:45:03,680
Am I right? Yes.

487
00:45:06,300 --> 00:45:09,080
Just a quick ad lib. Took me... Well,
stop ad libbing. Yeah, stop.

488
00:45:11,300 --> 00:45:14,900
I wouldn't care, but it took me six
months to... Get off!

489
00:45:17,980 --> 00:45:20,000
Oh, leave my feet. I've got my thumb for
you.

490
00:45:21,240 --> 00:45:23,040
Sorry. No, no, just... Stop.

491
00:45:23,720 --> 00:45:26,400
It took me six months to teach you to
say bottle of beer, and that was without

492
00:45:26,400 --> 00:45:27,319
the dummy.

493
00:45:27,320 --> 00:45:30,000
Yeah. Well, it's all right for you,
isn't it? I mean, you've had your

494
00:45:30,000 --> 00:45:31,000
out.

495
00:45:32,580 --> 00:45:33,800
What's it got to do with it? I don't
know.

496
00:45:35,500 --> 00:45:37,140
Tell you what I'll do.

497
00:45:37,880 --> 00:45:41,040
I'll teach you the pièce de résistance
of all ventriloquism. Yes.

498
00:45:41,660 --> 00:45:46,120
How to sing a song and drink a bottle of
beer at the same time.

499
00:45:47,280 --> 00:45:48,280
Is that right? Yeah.

500
00:45:48,600 --> 00:45:49,760
Do you like that? Yes, all right.

501
00:45:49,980 --> 00:45:51,580
All right?

502
00:45:52,400 --> 00:45:54,300
Okay, now make sure the dummy's
comfortable.

503
00:45:54,520 --> 00:45:55,439
That's the main thing.

504
00:45:55,440 --> 00:45:55,999
All right.

505
00:45:56,000 --> 00:45:57,440
My thumb's getting dead raw in there.

506
00:45:59,300 --> 00:46:00,300
Okay.

507
00:46:02,000 --> 00:46:03,000
What are you doing?

508
00:46:03,940 --> 00:46:04,940
Making them comfortable.

509
00:46:06,280 --> 00:46:08,060
You can't leave it like that.

510
00:46:08,880 --> 00:46:12,200
Goodness me, come and sit down. You
can't leave an inanimate object. Put it

511
00:46:12,200 --> 00:46:14,980
your lap. What do you mean, then? They
don't see it like that. No?

512
00:46:15,760 --> 00:46:17,400
These people have got to believe he's
real.

513
00:46:24,410 --> 00:46:27,170
Let them see him lying there. Just
nothing. No movement.

514
00:46:27,430 --> 00:46:28,430
Oh, all right. All right.

515
00:46:29,670 --> 00:46:31,470
Yes. All right. Yes. Oh, God.

516
00:46:32,610 --> 00:46:35,890
I don't know that. Yes, yes. All right.
Sorry about that. All right.

517
00:46:43,530 --> 00:46:44,530
Where's my head?

518
00:46:45,670 --> 00:46:47,210
I don't know where it is. Well, it was
here a minute ago.

519
00:46:49,070 --> 00:46:50,950
Oh, there it is. Come on. Get this off.

520
00:46:51,190 --> 00:46:52,190
Get this off.

521
00:46:54,660 --> 00:46:55,020
What are

522
00:46:55,020 --> 00:47:11,460
we

523
00:47:11,460 --> 00:47:18,420
going to do? What we've got to try and
do is to find

524
00:47:18,420 --> 00:47:20,320
a song for you to sing with him. Now,
what about...

525
00:47:21,089 --> 00:47:23,090
What about that monogamous nunga?

526
00:47:25,310 --> 00:47:26,310
I know.

527
00:47:30,970 --> 00:47:32,850
It was recently. It was on the hit
parade.

528
00:47:33,690 --> 00:47:35,030
It's called Itching Cossagall.

529
00:47:36,750 --> 00:47:37,729
You can do that.

530
00:47:37,730 --> 00:47:39,170
I don't know that. Do you know it? No,
he doesn't know it.

531
00:47:40,370 --> 00:47:42,710
What about the gee song?

532
00:47:45,050 --> 00:47:46,050
How does that go?

533
00:47:46,130 --> 00:47:49,050
You know. Oh, what a glorious thing to
gee. You've grown up healthy.

534
00:47:50,650 --> 00:47:51,770
I can't do that song. Why?

535
00:47:52,030 --> 00:47:53,390
Well, it's Garth Gatsby's song.

536
00:47:56,310 --> 00:47:59,010
What is it? Garth Gatsby's song.

537
00:47:59,790 --> 00:48:06,650
It doesn't really matter what song you

538
00:48:06,650 --> 00:48:07,488
sing, does it? All right.

539
00:48:07,490 --> 00:48:10,410
So, I mean, pick any song you like, you
know. All right, well, how about My

540
00:48:10,410 --> 00:48:11,368
Mother's Eyes?

541
00:48:11,370 --> 00:48:12,249
That's nice.

542
00:48:12,250 --> 00:48:13,810
Can we do that? My Mother's Eyes?

543
00:48:14,050 --> 00:48:17,550
He says, OK, we'll do My Mother's Eyes.
He likes that. Yes. All right. Now,

544
00:48:17,570 --> 00:48:18,479
there we are.

545
00:48:18,480 --> 00:48:20,260
Right, tell you what we're going to do.
We're going to see my mother's eyes.

546
00:48:20,300 --> 00:48:21,300
We're going to sing it.

547
00:48:21,360 --> 00:48:22,360
See?

548
00:48:22,440 --> 00:48:24,700
And I'll give you a got my gear at the
same time.

549
00:48:25,620 --> 00:48:28,240
All right? We'll sing my mother's eyes
together with a got my gear at the same

550
00:48:28,240 --> 00:48:29,240
time.

551
00:48:33,840 --> 00:48:36,840
One bright and guiding light.

552
00:48:38,180 --> 00:48:39,180
There.

553
00:48:59,310 --> 00:49:01,150
doesn't drink it, you drink it.

554
00:49:03,810 --> 00:49:05,550
Well, how can I drink it and sing at the
same time?

555
00:49:09,530 --> 00:49:10,830
That's the whole point.

556
00:49:11,470 --> 00:49:14,390
The whole point? I don't like beer. Have
a bit of whisky. Give me a whisky. All

557
00:49:14,390 --> 00:49:15,750
right. You all right, son?

558
00:49:17,590 --> 00:49:18,590
Look at me, son.

559
00:49:21,490 --> 00:49:25,070
Whisky, now this time, remember that you
do the drinking and the singing.

560
00:49:25,590 --> 00:49:26,590
Oh, I see. Okay.

561
00:49:26,610 --> 00:49:27,610
Right, here we go, then.

562
00:49:27,820 --> 00:49:30,700
One bright and guiding light.

563
00:49:32,320 --> 00:49:33,120
What

564
00:49:33,120 --> 00:49:42,640
do

565
00:49:42,640 --> 00:49:49,020
you think you're doing?

566
00:49:49,520 --> 00:49:51,620
You don't do it like that.

567
00:49:52,760 --> 00:49:54,080
I'm sorry.

568
00:49:56,240 --> 00:49:57,580
You bring a lump to my throat.

569
00:49:58,640 --> 00:50:01,860
Look, Tommy, I'll try and explain it to
you. Yes?

570
00:50:02,800 --> 00:50:07,700
You hold the glass like that. You put
the glass to your lips. Now, you start

571
00:50:07,700 --> 00:50:11,540
drinking while you're singing, and they
all applaud as soon as the glass is

572
00:50:11,540 --> 00:50:13,880
empty because they realise what a clever
thing you've done.

573
00:50:15,300 --> 00:50:16,560
OK, right, go ahead.

574
00:50:19,080 --> 00:50:21,120
Go on, go ahead. What? Do it.

575
00:50:24,400 --> 00:50:25,820
I don't know my mother's eyes.

576
00:50:27,640 --> 00:50:28,640
All right, then.

577
00:50:28,700 --> 00:50:30,180
Could you hold him? He's not in this.
Right.

578
00:50:32,320 --> 00:50:33,320
Now, watch this.

579
00:50:34,160 --> 00:50:35,380
Thank you.

580
00:50:37,440 --> 00:50:38,460
Thank you. Hold on.